Life is GOOD even when it is bad.
by Amy Berry
I remember June 2, 2010 very clearly...I remember sitting there and hearing the sonogram tech saying, “I am so sorry, but there is no heartbeat.” Wait….NO HEARTBEAT? Is that what she said? Did I hear that right? No, it could not be what she said, I mean after all we are coming to find out the sex of our child. “Excuse me? What did you say?” The technician replied, “I am so sorry, I need to go get the doctor." Wait! What did she say? Did she really say there is no heartbeat?
Unfortunately, yes, and the next thing I remember is the doctor explaining how she was afraid of this, that our sweet angel was measuring small, but she didn’t say anything the week before. Why didn’t she say anything? Why hadn’t she told me she was concerned?
Why? And why is she talking so fast? Why is she spouting out options of how to handle my situation? What is she saying? Is she serious? I have to decide whether I want to take a pill and go home and deliver, or she can do a “procedure." Again. I thought, “Is she serious?”
Frantically, I look at Trey and he calmly asks if we can have some time to think it over. She replies yes, but we should not take too much time. Too much time? Is she kidding? What is too much time when you are deciding how you want to, I don’t even know how to say this, but how you want to get your dead child out of you.
I remember going home and curling up in bed, completely devastated. I buried my face in my pillow so no one would hear me as I moaned and cried like never before. This amount of pain was something I had never felt in my entire life. I remember thinking what did I do to cause this? Was it the boat ride? Did my father-in-law go too fast? I should have never gotten in that damn boat! I would not have if the doctor had told me she was concerned! It is her fault!!!!! Or no, maybe it was my father-in-law's fault…what was he thinking driving so fast with his pregnant daughter-in-law on board. Or was it the ginger chews I was chewing for the nausea? Did I poison my precious baby? What have I done? This feeling of having killed my precious baby went on for what felt like forever, but oddly time was moving fast too and decisions were needing to be made.
On a dime I flipped. I remember thinking, “NOW! Get my dead baby out of me NOW!” “NOW! NOW! NOW!” I remember screaming that.
The very next day I arrived at the hospital and they checked me in. Once again, I flipped out and thought, oh no, maybe I should have chosen the other option. “Wait, stop!” I yelled. It was too much too fast. I asked to please see another sonogram of my baby. Maybe, just maybe, they made a mistake. They assured me they had not, but I begged. Our amazing pastor came and somehow talked them into doing another sonogram. No heartbeat. But God is bigger, maybe God will bring my baby back to life. I pleaded with God, please no, don’t make me do this. I love this child. This child is mine. I am connected to this child, please no.
I wake up and think about what I have done. For days I think something is not right. Well, I was right. Part of the fetus was left in me and I got super sick. Was that a sign? Should I have chosen to take the pill? Maybe then I could have held my child? Am I a monster because I chose the option of the procedure? What have I done? I don’t even know if my child was a boy or a girl. What kind of mom says, “No, I don’t want to know! EVER!”
I will tell you what kind of a mom. A mom who is hurting. A mom who has lost a part of her. A piece of her. A mom who is heart broken and has no idea how, or when she will ever recover from this loss. A mom who loved her child from the moment she knew her child was created and formed. A mom who the moment she realized she was with child had plans. Wonderful beautiful plans. Plans that will no longer happen because her baby died. A mom who is hurting, who is confused, who is lost, and who is scared she will never ever recover. That is what kind of mom says and thinks all the things from the good, the bad, and the super ugly after losing a child. Because, if you were pregnant and you lost your baby too, you ARE a mom. Do you hear me? You are a mom.
So...If you are reading this today and you are that mom, first hear me when I say this, “Me too.” You are not alone. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! This miscarriage, the loss of a child, the inability to get pregnant...this is not your fault!!!!!!
LOOK We can’t possibly understand why God would allow such things; the loss of a child, the loss of an unborn child, the inability to have a child. WE can’t wrap our heads around this, we just can’t. HOWEVER, IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT HE DOES NOT CARE. Did you hear me?
GOD CARES AND GOD LOVES YOU!!!!!!
IT DOESN'T MEAN HE IS NOT GOOD, or that life is not good. LIFE IS GOOD EVEN WHEN IT IS BAD. IT IS THE GOOD HARD LIFE. And you will realize this in YOUR OWN TIME. There is no timetable for this either. So throw that idea out the door. Everyone who has ever experienced this mourns, grieves, and does whatever they need to do to get through this unexplainable pain.
For me, my faith went lopsided, and I went into a deep dark place. I got anxious, I started doubting, I started blaming, and I started giving up on life. But God, well God did not give up on me and He is not giving up on you. I promise you, it is in times like these that God begins to plant seeds in mysterious unexplainable ways.
You see 5 surgeries later, because the doctor made a mistake in the D&C and left part of my baby in me, yes, my dead baby, I got septic, and as a result was hospitalized and 5 surgeries later was told; “I am sorry Amy, but you will not be able to have more children." “Wait, no more kids?”
I was devastated, I was angry, and I was full of shame. How could I be so selfish? I have two healthy kids. That, my friend, is the devil playing tricks with you when you think you are selfish and awful. Don’t let him. I let him, and, the next thing I knew, I was justifying what happened. The doctor told me our baby had a chromosome issue, so I thought my boys dodged a bullet because when I died they would have had to take care of their sibling. Who thinks this way? A grieving mom does, but the shame that came from that was unbelievable because I wanted that baby no matter what the issue was, and who was I to say my boys dodged a bullet? Maybe they wanted to take care of their sibling? You see where Satan is playing with me again? Y'all, he is good at that. Good at making us feel guilty when in reality we are just grieving the loss of someone we wanted so badly and trying to find a way to process it all.
But here is the deal sis, GOD is so much BIGGER than Satan and his ways, and God can handle any emotions, thoughts, or feelings you are having. The sooner you bring them to the light, the faster Satan is exposed. So hear me when I say this, God can handle all your thoughts as you navigate your loss. As I walked through the gamut of emotions I had some pretty harsh thoughts, such as, the ones where you see the pregnant mama and you just want to gauge her eyes out, the ones where you pass by a Planned Parenthood and you want to burn it down, yes sister, I have had those thoughts and more, but again, God can handle them all! How do I know this? Because He handled mine, and He still loves me, and He still loves you too. So take all those thoughts to Him. Lay them at His feet. Ask Him to heal your heart and heal your pain. He will. I know He will. He healed mine.
During that time of healing I held onto 2 Corinthians 12:9-10:
My grace is sufficient for you….for my power is being perfected in your weakness….therefore I will all the more gladly boast about my weakness so that Christ will dwell in me….
I said that verse every day! Every day I was pouring out to Him proclaiming I am weak, I give up, I turn my dead baby, my husband, my life, my children, me all of it over to you!!!!! ALL OF IT! And I would read on to verse 10.
So I am pleased with weakness, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions and with difficulties for the sake of Christ, for when I am weak then I am strong!!!!!
Did you read that? Did you get that? When I am weak I am strong!!!! I know it seems and sounds crazy, but it is so true!!!!! When the storms of life get you, a miscarriage, infertility, loss of a child, whatever the storm is, sister hold on and…...
GET READY TO BE STRONG!!!!!!!
You never really know how strong you are until you have to be! Am I right? When strong is your only choice, that is when you come face-to-face with God. And GOD will make you stronger than you have ever imagined.
My human strength would not get me through that storm, but God’s strength did! And He will get you through to sister!!!! All you have to do is have HOPE, and be open to letting Him do all the things in your life that only He can do.
So sister I want you to know….You have me and you have God. You may be angry with God. If you are, that is ok. I was too. He can handle it. I promise you He can, just let Him in even if it is slow and steady. He has all the time in the world and He is waiting for you to ask Him to heal you and show you His plan. I don’t know what that plan will be for you, but I promise you if it is from Him it will be more beautiful than you could ever imagine.
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