There's More Than This
by Whitney Jones
We found out we were pregnant in July. With this being my third pregnancy, I was instantly showing. Every appointment, blood draw, and symptom were right on track with a healthy pregnancy. I was on blood thinner shots, physically uncomfortable already, and had dealt with seizures in my last pregnancy. I hoped I would stay healthy, but all of this was tough mentally. One night I was lying in bed reading my Bible and I read this scripture,
“Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.”
Romans 8:26-28 became my pregnancy scripture that night. In that moment, I thanked God and knew He was drawing me to Himself. He was letting me know He was with ME and my baby.We went in for a 13-week sonogram because I am high risk, and the benefit is getting to see my babies often while pregnant. As soon as the sonogram began something was wrong.
The baby was upside down and I could tell on the doctor’s face that this wasn’t good. She searched for a heartbeat but could not find one. The way that moment felt is almost too unbearable to explain. I was devastated and it didn’t feel real. She let us know that the baby looked like it had passed two days before the ultrasound. With the size of the baby I would need to have surgery to remove it. My heart was broken, and I cried in deeper pain than I had ever before.
The first thing out of my Husbands mouth was, “God we trust You.” And while I wanted to feel the same way, I also wanted answers. The Internal Fetal Medicine doctor recommended we do genetic testing. I had to carry the baby for 2 days knowing the baby had passed away. This was truly agonizing. Looking back, I am so grateful that the Bible is true and says in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “His power works best in weakness.” I needed God’s strength in a way I never had before, and He gave it to me. In the midst of those two days I went back to look at Romans 8.
I knew God had given me that scripture in this season, but it was not for the purpose I thought it was. It was so much deeper and so much more powerful than how I originally read it.
“God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along…He knows our pregnant condition and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.”
As I read it again tears fell down my face and His presence was so tangible in that moment. He was helping me, He was with me, and He would turn this for good somehow.Grief is a hard thing to navigate and to understand. You can read books and verses like the ones listed. It helps but then the tornado of emotions and human nature says, “But I wanted THIS baby here with me. I don’t want what’s coming next. I want what I had and what I thought you gave me.”
Like I said earlier, I wanted to be able to say, “God we trust you.” as the first thing out of my mouth like my husband did but I WAS trusting Him and then this happened. Everyone says grief comes in waves and I have learned it’s truly like the ocean. You can either fight against it with questions and doubt or navigate it with the truth and faith. The genetic testing came back fine, our baby was a boy and no questions were answered on why this happened.
There are some things in life that we just won’t have answers to, and we need to be okay with that. What is the point of faith and trust if we have all the answers and everything goes our way? God wants you to know that He is closer to you than ever. Even though there are unanswered questions, He is on your side. The Bible tells us of the hard times that are to come but that He would be with us in those hard times.
“If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath. Disciples so often get into trouble; still, God is there every time.” - Psalm 34:18-19
The enemy would love to use this loss in your life to stop you and your family or future family.This is not meant to say that when you have another baby the pain will go away… it won’t. In loss we never go back to the way we were. We find a new normal that with deeper pain comes also deeper love and deeper gratitude for what we have. What I know, is the devil would love to stop me from having more children because I will teach them how to defeat him.
So, I want nothing more than for him to see that he can’t stop what I believe God wants to do in and through my family. That will look different for each of us and doesn’t mean another baby, but you can partner with God today to use your pain for a purpose. I will leave you with this scripture and I know great joy is ahead for you.
“That’s why I don’t think there’s any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what’s coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens. “- Romans 8:18-21